Astonishingly Good Stories: Twenty short stories from the bestselling author of Friday Barnes - Softcover

Spratt, R.A.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0143779265 ISBN 13: 9780143779261

Publisher: Puffin, 2022

Synopsis

A lovestruck merpig, a peppermint-stick Parthenon, a vegetarian spider and so much more!

From R.A. Spratt, bestselling author of Friday Barnes and Shockingly Good Stories, comes this collection of twenty terrific tales perfect for fans of Roald Dahl, David Walliams and Paul Jennings. Featuring Greek myths and fractured fairytales as told by Nanny Piggins (the world's most glamorous flying pig), a mystery investigated by Friday Barnes (girl detective) and a series of tales so tall they will give you altitude sickness.

This book will delight children from four to one hundred and four. Just the thing for reading at bedtime, when you're supposed to be doing your homework or when you've been chased up a tree by an escaped rhinoceros and you're waiting for the zookeeper to arrive.

About this title

About the Author

R.A. Spratt is the author of The Peski Kids, Friday Barnes and The Adventures of Nanny Piggins. In her previous life she was a television writer. Unlike the Peski kids, R.A. Spratt never fights with her brother, but only because he moved to Tokyo to get away from her. R.A. lives in Bowral, NSW, where she has three chickens, five goldfish and a dog. She also has a husband and two daughters. For more information, visit raspratt.com

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Did I ever tell you the story about my cousin the
cobbler?’asked Nanny Piggins.
Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children happened to be
eating apple cobbler at the time. Apple cobbler is a delicious
dessert made with stewed apples and sweet dumplings baked
on top. Nanny Piggins’ version of apple cobbler was particularly
delicious because she had tweaked the recipe. Instead of just
apples, she added chocolate. In fact, five kilos of chocolate for
every one kilo of apple. She said this was necessary to ‘balance’
the flavour. And the children did not argue. After just one
serving, Derrick, Samantha and Michael were too sugar-addled
to say anything rational anyway. So when Nanny Piggins said
she was related to a cobbler, this did somewhat confuse poor
Michael.
‘You’re related to a fruit-based dessert?’ he asked.
This was not such a ridiculous question. Nanny Piggins was
a pig and yet she managed to be related to a bear (her brother)
and, they had recently discovered, a goat (a distant cousin). To
be related to dessert might seem strange for a normal person,
but Nanny Piggins was in every way so extraordinary it was just
the type of thing she’d find some way of doing.
‘No, of course not,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I do have a distant
aunt who claimed to be a pavlova, but it turned out that she
was simply the ballet dancer the pavlova was named after, so we
stopped being impressed.’
‘Right,’ said Michael. Although he still did not understand
in the least.
‘No, this relative was a cobbler, as in a person who makes
shoes,’ said Nanny Piggins.
‘Ooooh,’ said the children, catching on.
‘Of course, her life was terribly hard,’ said Nanny Piggins.
‘Was she bad at making shoes?’ asked Derrick.
‘No, quite the opposite,’ said Nanny Piggins.‘Her life was
hard because of the rampant pigism in the shoe industry.’
‘The what?’ asked Samantha.
‘Pigism,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘You’ve got to understand that
back in the olden story days, people were not as forward-thinking
as they are today. People were so narrow-minded that they
preferred to wear shoes that had not been made by a pig.’
The children thought about this for a moment. Nanny
Piggins had raised them to know that pigism was wrong.
But,that said, they could understand someone having a
preference for a shoe made by an animal with opposable thumbs.
They realised, however, that saying this to Nanny Piggins would
not be wise.
‘So anyway, my poor cousin Madge and her husband
struggled year-after- year to make ends meet,’continued
Nanny Piggins.‘It got to the point where they had so little
money,theycouldnotevenaffordtobuy...’Nanny
Piggins got emotional here and struggled to continue.
‘It’s all right, Nanny Piggins,’ said Samantha kindly. ‘If it’s
too hard for you to go on, we don’t need a story.’
‘No,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Poor Madge’s story needs to be
told. It may be brutal, heartbreaking and distressing for young
ears such as yours to hear, but you cannot be sheltered from the
grim reality of life forever.Madge and her husband were so
poor ... they could not afford cake.’
Boris broke down and wailed, ‘That’s terrible!’
‘It gets worse,’ said Nanny Piggins.‘Because they could
not afford cake, they were reduced to eating this dreadful
sugar-free substance that people say is food but I’m not
entirely convinced it is. It was called brrreeead.’
‘Briieeed?’ asked Derrick. He had never heard this word
before.
‘Do you mean “bread”?’ asked Michael.
‘Yes, that’s it!’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Disgusting stuff. Just
plain, solidified flour with air in it. It’s the food equivalent of
eating dishwater.’
‘Couldn’t they put a nice bit of honey on it?’ asked Boris.
He was partial to a honey sandwich himself. And when I say

4
‘partial’, I mean he passionately loved honey sandwiches with
every ounce of his considerable frame.
‘They couldn’t afford honey,’ said Nanny Piggins.
‘Oh dear chocolate!’ wailed Boris. ‘This story is horrendous.
I can’t bear to listen. And I’m a bear, so I’m usually good at
bearing.’
This was not true. Boris was not good at bearing in the
sense of tolerating something unpleasant at all. But he was a
bear and therefore good at that, so close enough.
‘It was terrible,’agreed Nanny Piggins.‘It’s so exhaust-
ing being poor and hungry. Especially for pigs.’
‘It is?’ asked Derrick.
‘Oh yes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘You see, we love food so
much that when we don’t get any it’s so much more dreadful.’
The children thought about this. They guessed it kind of
made sense.
‘Madge and her husband only had enough leather left
to make one pair of shoes,’said Nanny Piggins.‘If no-one
came in and ordered a pair of shoes, they would starve.
Or have to grow vegetables and eat them. Which just
sounds so dreadful I’m sure they’d rather starve.’
‘This story is awful!” sobbed Boris.
‘Don’t worry, I’m coming to a good bit,’ said Nanny
Piggins.‘Madgeandherhusbandwerejustdespairing
and bemoaning their wretched lives when the shop bell
tinkled. They looked up to see that a man had entered.
A customer had not been in their shop for such a
long time that they assumed it was someone who was
lost, or perhaps a bank robber who was looking for a
place to hide from the police. But no – this was an actual
customer wanting to buy shoes.
Madge rushed forward and measured the customer’s
feet.Herhusbandshowedhimpicturesofthestyles
he could choose from. The man picked what he wanted
andsaidhewouldbebackinthemorningtocollect
his shoes.
Madgeandherhusbandwereoverjoyed.They
would have jumped up and down with glee except they
weresoexhaustedfromstarvationtheydidn’thave
anyenergy.Soinstead,Madgegotouthertoolsand
startedpreparingtheleatherandcuttingitintothe
necessary shapes. But it had been such a long day that
shesoonbecametootired.Plusitwasgettingdark
andtherewerenocandles.Madgedecidedtogoto
bed and wake up early the next morning to sew the
shoes together.
But the next morning they overslept. I’m not sure
why. The village cockerel must have got a frog in his
throat.Perhapsliterally.Isupposecockerelsdoeat
frogs. I’ll have to ask the next one I meet.
Anyway, Madge and her husband were awoken by the
tinkle of the shop bell.
‘Ohno,’saidMadge.‘It’sthemanreturning,andI
haven’t made his shoes.’
‘We shall have to plead with him to have mercy on
us,’ said her husband.
‘Orbophimontheheadwithafryingpanifthe
opportunity presents itself,’ suggested Madge.
She hurried out to the shop, grabbed up a frying pan
just in case and threw open the door, bracing herself for
the inevitable onslaught of abuse.
But as soon as the man stepped into the shop his
eyes lit up and he gasped with pleasure.
‘Why, these are the most magnificent shoes I have
ever seen!’ exclaimed the man.
Madge turned around and saw that the shoes, as if by
magic, had been completed. And they did look beautiful.
She was a very fine shoe-maker and these were every bit
as good as a pair she had made herself.
‘Ofcourse,yes,theseshoesthatImadeearlier,’
saidMadge,handingthemtohim.Themanpaidfor
them and left.
Madge and her husband were overjoyed. They hadn’t
had any actual money in such a long time. They rushed
straight to the nearest bakery and bought a celebratory
cake.
‘Was that a responsible way to manage their finances?’ asked
Samantha.
‘Of course not,’ declared Nanny Piggins. ‘Madge was a
Piggins! She wouldn’t dream of behaving responsibly when
there’s cake to be eaten.’
‘So they lived happily ever after?’ asked Derrick.
‘No.Sadly they got carried away and ate lots of cake,
spending all the money,’said Nanny Piggins.‘So they were
right back where they started. By 2 o’clock in the after-
noon, they were starving.’
‘Hadn’t they just eaten cake?’ asked Derrick.

7
‘They were pigs!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins. ‘They had the
metabolisms of elite athletes. They were ravishingly hungry
again.’
‘Don’t you mean ravenously hungry?’ asked Samantha.
‘No, I mean ravishingly,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Madge was
a Piggins after all, so she wasn’t just good at making shoes. She
was staggeringly beautiful as well.’
Theywerejuststartingtomoanwithhungerand
despairwhenthedoorbelltinkled.Thistime,two
womencustomerswalkedin.Madgeandherhusband
were shocked. They’d never had two customers in their
shop simultaneously before. Apparently, the women had
seen the man dancing down the street in his fabulous
new shoes and asked where he’d bought them. Now they
wanted some as well.
Madge set to work cutting out the leather, but with
all the cake eating and the excitement, it was getting
lateintheday.Itwastoodarktokeepworking,so
Madge and her husband went to bed, planning to get up
early and finish them in the morning.
‘But they overslept again?’ guessed Michael.
‘Yes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It was the frog the cockerel
hadeatenthedaybefore–itwaspoisonous.Sothe
cockerel was sick and slept in himself. They were instead
awoken by the tinkle of the shop bell.’
Madgerushedout,fryingpaninhand,readyto
defend herself from the angry customers. But as soon
as she stepped into the shop, she found the two women
were delighted. There were beautiful shoes finished and
waiting on the counter. The customers gave Madge the
money and left. Madge and her husband couldn’t believe
it. Two days in a row, the shoes had been finished as if by
magic. There was only one thing they could do.
‘Eat cake?’ guessed Samantha.
‘Exactly,’ said Nanny Piggins.‘They rushed to the bakery
and spent all their money on cake. And by 2.15 in the
afternoon they were starving, again. It took a little longer
that day because they had eaten twice as much cake.
Madge and her husband had just staggered back to the
shop, distraught because there was no way their amazing
luck could continue, when four customers walked into
the shop – and they all wanted shoes!
And so it continued. Day after day. More and more
customers. More and more shoes miraculously made. And
best of all – more and more cake. After about two weeks
of this, Madge became slightly less hungry and she began
to think about what was going on.
‘Whoever is making up these shoes for us is doing us
a very good deed,’ she said.
‘Yes,’ agreed her husband.
‘Tonight,’ said Madge. ‘Let’s hide in a closet and see
who it is.’
So that is what they did. Madge cut out the leather,
and they pretended to go to bed, then secretly crept
back into the workshop and hid in a closet, where they
waited and waited. Fortunately, they’d had the foresight
to pack supplies. They’d filled the cupboard with coffee
cake so they were neither hungry nor tired.
Eventually, just as the village clock struck midnight,
there was movement in the workshop. Madge and her
husband were astonished to see three tiny elves climb
upontheworkbench.Theselittleelveslookedjust
likeregularpigsexcepttheyhadwornandragged
clothes.
‘Wait a minute!’ said Michael. ‘The elves were pigs?’
‘Of course,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘All elves are pigs.’
‘But they are always drawn as tiny humans in children’s
books,’ explained Samantha.
‘Typical,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘And I bet these children’s books
were illustrated by humans?’
‘I suppose so,’ said Samantha.
‘Humans are so pigist they can’t even see their pigism,’
muttered Nanny Piggins, shaking her head. ‘No, in real life,
elves are tiny pigs.’
The children worked hard to try to imagine what this
looked like. They couldn’t really.
The tiny elves were so hard-working, and they made
such fine shoes, and yet they looked so ragged them-
selves. It broke Madge’s heart to see them that way.
‘They have been so good – helping us in our time of
need,’ Madge whispered to her husband as they watched
from the closet. ‘We must do something to help them.’
‘But what?’ asked her husband.
‘Iknow,’saidMadge.‘Tomorrow,let’smakethem
each a fine suit of clothes.’
And that’s what she did. Madge made each elf a smart
outfit with trousers and shirts, waistcoats and jackets.
That night, Madge and her husband lay the elves’
clothes out on the workbench and then hid in the cupboard
full of coffee cake, ready to watch. Again, at midnight,
the elves appeared. They climbed up on the bench and
when they saw their new outfits they were overjoyed.
‘Look at these fine clothes!’ exclaimed the first elf.
‘So beautifully made,’ said the second elf.
‘We’llgetafortunewhenwesellthem,’saidthe
third elf.
On hearing this, Madge burst out of her closet in a
rage. ‘How dare you! You can’t sell those clothes. I made
them with love and gratitude in my heart. They are a
gift.’
‘And they’re a lovely gift,’ said the first elf.
‘But not as lovely as a big slice of chocolate cake,’
said the second elf.
‘That’s what you want to spend the money on?’ asked
Madge.
‘We love cake,’ confessed the third elf.
‘So do we!’ exclaimed Madge. ‘Let’s make more fancy
elf clothes and more shoes, so we can get even more
cake!’
The elves cheered with delight.
Thentheyallsataroundstitchingfine,miniature
clothing and beautiful shoes all night. And the next day,
the shoe shop didn’t open at all because they were all
too busy eating lots and lots of cake! So they all lived
happily ever after. The end,’said Nanny Piggins. ‘Time
for bed.’
‘It’s 11 o’clock in the morning,’ said Samantha.
‘Oh yes, so it is,’ said Nanny Piggins, checking her watch.
‘Time for a nice slice of cake then.

Edition details

• Publisher: Puffin
• Publication date: 2022
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0143779265
• ISBN 13: 9780143779261
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 240