CHAPTER 1
World Avenue State College (W.A.S.C.)
In 7 Degrees of Life, my objective is to portray my life and my lack of knowledge. In addition, I want to convey remedies on how to seek the attributes needed to obtain and move forward from good intention. I found in my young life good intentions are honorable but are powerless to work on my own with any consistency. I was unable to be the man, father, and person I wanted to be and God intended me to be. But thank God way down the road after being trapped in the maze of life I ran into The Holy Spirit power (Jesus The Christ). It was that power which enables, enriches, and empowers us to do the right thing. It is my hope that I impart the importance of feelings and how at the core center of feeling how important it is to respect, differentiate and manage feelings in a productive manner. I will plant a methodology on how I learned about myself and my feeling then overcame my feeling, distorted view of self, God, others and the world. I found out knowing my feeling, self and how the power of the Holy Spirit enhanced my choices and decisions at a late age.
As a young boy, I would never have thought I would establish so many valuable degrees in life. Valuable to who? Valuable to me. The number 7 and its Biblical association was the blueprint for writing this book. Seven exemplifies an overabundance of symbolic biblical meaning and examples congruent to my life today. Honestly, I know the number seven gives me the connotation that God and I have a true covenant together. It would further for me solidify my life would eventually come to a completion on this earth, but not until God's purpose and meaning for me is fulfilled. Seven also represents the spiritual perfection I strive and press toward daily. Simply without debate, seven to me is about indisputably forgiveness and keeping it moving in a positive manner, direction and spirit. "Jesus said unto him, I say not unto you, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22).
Merriam Webster 's dictionary defines a degree as an amount of something as measured by a series of steps; one of a series of steps in a process, course, or progression, a stage; title given to students as they matriculate academically and professionally. The word diploma is defined as a certificate that shows a person has finished a course or graduated from a school or institution. A diploma, like a degree, is a document issued by an educational institution. I perceive all schools and institutions as educational one way or another Spiritually and naturally. These mechanisms confirm that the recipient has earned a degree, successfully completing a particular course(s).
W.A.S.C. was my first and most risk taking educational degree. My factual proof of this degree is the 28 years it took me to complete these time-consuming courses. From the age of 15 to 43 one may interpret this as the school of hard knocks for knuckleheads. Nevertheless, it is a decision and path of courses I chose. I was my own guidance counselor and adversary. I was determined to plan my own occupation and vocation all while attempting to figuring out this big ever-changing world. One can say I had high expectations with a finite mind and limited worldview and no Holy Ghost power. By my choice being on alcohol and drugs was not my career trajectory but my decision to experiment and explore. These choice blindness decisions where not because I could not see how it affected others but they were the norm and aroused my curiosity.
My first academic diploma came at the age of 17 when I graduated from high school. The bizarre thing about receiving this certificate was I was not motivated by love or encouragement. I was compelled by an authoritative mother. When I arrived as a freshman in high school at 15, my parents were recently divorced. My dad was somewhere attempting to reclaim and reconstruct his life and dreams I assumed. In addition, because of my excellent school attendance, I obtained a legal societal work permit and a job. To my recollection, homework was not a vital component in school, somehow, I managed to get through and complete high school. Yet I graduated with a C plus average. My role as big brother expanded as I was thrust into what I perceived as caretaker role of my "Ma" and older sister as well as my three younger brothers. While fulfilling these roles, I also began my trudge on World Avenue and Not Right Street. I was seeking my identity and purpose in this thing called life. The street, night, and worldly life became advantageous, but not to the point I intended World Avenue introduced me to a plethora of chemicals, darkness and desolate places in which I engaged in many devious encounters. None were healthy only temporarily pleasurable yet noteworthy risky for my later on in life downheartedness, holistic well-being and quality of life. At 15, I began my quest to explore numerable worldly street activities while searching for my identity and niche. I became infatuated with a multitude of shady yet interesting characters. Every one of them had issues, a gimmick, swindle, or self-serving motive. These associations were accompanied with much intrigue, ecstasies, agony, tears, fears, pain, sorrow and grief. To keep it one-hundred, the feeling of disdain, discontentment, discouragement and disillusionment began taking resident in my young mind. My friend's primary occupations were pimping, selling and using drugs, gambling and stealing; the list is as negatively numerable as beach sand. The small town where I resided was infested with corruption, but the many steel mills were flourishing and the money rolling. For example, along with the mills there was a Lords Town Car Plant and various other manufacturers that made employment plentiful. The excitement of World Avenue and Not Right Street appeared undaunted and intriguing. While in high school, I had no rational explanation why I was even there other than my mother told me to go. When I graduated from high school I was educated in pot (marijuana), an assortment of alcohols and a multiplicity of devious street activities.
I began drinking beer daily at 15 as well. Ma distinctly confirmed when I got a job, I could buy) smoke cigarettes and drink my own beer. I took this literally. From my perception, it appeared mostly everyone I was in contact with or connected to were indulging and enjoying these products, specifically adults. I graduated from smoking cigarettes to smoking marijuana and I was off to the races. At 18, my rite to passage to manhood made me even more inquisitiveness about other drugs and other things. My sin which I now understand and call it began to escalate as I began to see a lot of mess on World Avenue.
My graduation from high school detoured me toward an experience that turned out to be a noteworthy turning point in my life. As I reflect on that moment it is obviously when I chose to enter Chief of Sinners University. A began to experience emotions I did not recognize, like or have control over, so I thought at the time. The emotional states I was in included not being educated nor experienced in love, loss, rejection, loneliness and abandonment and jealousy.
The message here is how I dealt with unfamiliar emotions and how inappropriate responses can damage ones' interpersonal physique. If I may share this, because human development has everything to do with environment, culture, up-bringing, tradition, belief processes, and faith in my perspective. I personally picked up, acclimated and formulated my thought process through watching and hearing others, television and my environment. In personal prospective and perspective, I think in adolescent one may acquire to be like others, say Mike (Michael Jordan) or seek the identity of someone else, before knowing how to be themselves.
CHAPTER 2
Chief of Sinners University (C. O.S.U.)
My introduction into C.O.S.U. was the most challenging. This degree involved a bombardment of courses which strained my feelings, emotional intelligence/abuse, identity, manhood, tolerance, tenacity and patience. Personally, I had social challenges throughout my school years. I would insist that I was alright and okay and the world was all wrong. This contributed to my exploration into the deep dark world of drugs and countless other sin. Remember I am surrounded by the people and environment I'm most accustomed. I am not using this as an excuse but painting a picture of how I was influenced. This is indicative to today. When we see youth out of control and deviant, there could be a bevy of underlying issues going on within the mind of that juvenile. Youth do not have the mental or emotional capacity to simply recognize and understand what and why they are being deviants. This is an identity crisis, an internal struggle or conflict within. It becomes a struggle between feeling and identity. I was completely unaware of the consequences, pain, suffering, and emotional collapse these behaviors would necessitate down life's turbulent winding road. Yes, I knew and heard there would be consequences for this that and the other but had no realistic understanding of the outcomes. Obtaining these dual degrees in the long run would literally suck the strength, hope, and willingness to live out of me. In essence, all things appear to be permissible in the world we live in. However, all things are not beneficial for one's wellbeing and quality of life. Being able to sift the negative from the positive is easy but the power to do the positive comes from one's faith within. I had no faith and the little faith I had was in folks, which would soon dissipate. By the time I turned 21 I had indulged in an array of chemicals substances, alcoholic spirits, and other sinful acts. Due to the fact I maintained a job throughout it all, I considered myself a functional and normal individual. Like those around me I failed to see the pain, destruction of family/relationships etc. I bought my own vehicle and product (cigarettes, alcohol, drugs),as well as paid rent and all my other bills. I perceived myself a man because I took care of myself. In addition, to not getting "caught" in illegal activities or in trouble with the judicial system made me feel a certain kind of way or manly. I bought my own clothes and was my brothers' keeper. This mindset kept me stagnant from any open mindedness or spiritual development. I became totally incoherent and unwilling to decipher all deception I garnered within everyday life. I start developing an invincible, whatever, apoplectic attitude, and a gargantuan inflated sense of self. In life, we find many self-centered people who live in denial that they are without, fault, sin, and wrong doing. This is a deception straight from the pits of whatever you choose to call Hade, Sheol, and Hell!
I proposed to my first wife and recited marriage vows to her at the age of twenty-one. This is significant because in all veracity, I did not realize or understand the responsibility or accountability marriage required let alone the vows I had succumb. To me it sounded good and felt right. Truthfully, I did not know what love was according to God's love chapter definition of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 KJV). I was living in my own perception of love which entailed motives such as control, ownership and lust. I was thrilled about becoming a husband and a father; yet I had no power to sustain our marriage. The first marriage would produce three fine sons and would last nearly 14 years with an onslaught of various up and downs. My craving for alcohol and other illicit substances resided in our marriage and I considered it a normal way of life. It's worth mentioning I was still enrolled in W.A.S.C and a faithful student at C.O.S.U. as my recklessness continued. Today, I take ownership of the maniacal behaviors of yesteryear. I think it is paramount that one looks at themselves when things go wrong and grasp the understanding that no one is perfect.
"Many men and women are reluctant to share their stories with genuine honesty and serious veracity. Why? In my opinion its because it's hard to be honest with yourself and be true to one's self, not get caught up in yourself, when you don't know your true self, less lone the one you're with".
I lacked self-control of my inner (Spiritual) man. I was in a rebellious state toward any human or spiritual guidance or direction. I was still broken from my parents' divorce. There was limited, if any, emotional support, encouragement, or edifying that I was aware of or sensitive to back then. Note that alcohol and drugs did have a negative effect on my state on consciousness. Yes, my thoughts, feeling, memories, environment were forever shifting and changing and my experiences of them were not silky smooth nor effortless.
My first marriage was at age 21 and had some good times: the birth of our sons, our first home, coaching my sons in football, baseball, basketball and some material possessions. Monetary things appeared to come easy. However, I would plummet to new personal lows when I divorced and the degree courses became harder and more intensified. Responsibility, accountability, and credibility were not my strong suits at this juncture of my life, nor was I one to ask for help and was in complete denial. In plain words I was a prideful person. In addition, if I asked for help who would I ask? I attribute these flaws to my love of money, substance abuse, and other sinful desires as well as lack of knowledge. A person must have wholeheartedly the willingness and desire to change holistically in every facet of their being and lives.
Our divorce was a heavy laden lost for me. I was left with an inadequate feeling of self. I would begin to excoriate myself in all aspects of life. My emotional intelligence was extremely low, my self-esteem shot, and my confidence became degenerate. All past accomplishments became a distance memory. I became despondent and disconnected from my sons for elongated time periods. Disconnected by separations, divorces, and incarceration time was reminisce like my dad's work. This speaks on both of my marriages. I had never experienced loss of this magnitude. So, I coped as usual by medicating and suppressing all related subsequent feelings. My drug usage increased which added to my already developed quick and disruptive temper which I used as a coping skill and defense mechanism. After all, my Ma had a similar disposition that appeared to work for her at keeping unwanted feelings and people at a distance. This demeanor gave me a feeling of having a stout heart, which allowed me to stand my ground without showing weakness. In all actuality, I was devastated from the loss of my family. I was 32 years old, separated from my family and waiting for my divorce to be finalized when my father died. I became more downhearted and increased my dosage of medication (alcohol/drugs) to another level to relieve the excruciating pain within. I never wanted anyone to see me vulnerable, hurt or needing help. I sunk to a new unplumbed depth and for the first time indulged in crack cocaine. I would be remiss not to add this account now, I stayed addicted for the next ten years straight. Not proud of it but as I always say nobody can save their selves. From a man's perspective, pride is a dangerous feeling or pleasure unseen until it is stripped from the man or the man has been humbled. Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall (Proverbs 16:18).
