CHAPTER 1
UNDERSTANDING THE YOUNG CHILD
"Play develops intelligence, integrates our triune nature; prepares us for higher education, creative thought and helps us prepare for becoming an effective parent when that time comes" - Joseph Chilton Pearce
Many things in life are unpredictable and our children are no different. When we acknowledge this we can begin to work with the creative being before us and accept the teachings that this relationship provides for us.
In the Body
The young child soaks up all of life, from the sunshine to the moonbeam, the joy and the sorrow. In her book, You are Your Child's First Teacher, Rahima Baldwin Dancy aptly describes the preschool child's process: "The preschool-aged child is centred in the will and in the limbs, in movement. The tremendous growth of the first seven years is accompanied by nearly constant movement as muscles and bones grow and coordination is gradually achieved. During these years the child is learning primarily through repetition and movement and by imitating everything around her. Sitting still for long periods is unhealthy if not impossible for the young child, who desires to experience everything through her body."
In the Brain
While the young child is physically busy, his/her brain is in a calm state. Scientists now know that a young child's brain generates mainly delta and theta waves. Delta is one of the frequencies our brains vibrate at during sleep, and theta is the half-asleep mode we float into as we awaken. This explains why, during the formative years, children appear to operate in a dreamlike state. In this period, the conscious brain is mostly dormant, and it is not possible to rationalise with a young child.
Children under seven years of age are continuously recording attitudes, behaviours and patterns of those in the immediate surroundings, without consciously realising it. This explains why they may talk as if they fully comprehend logic when they are simply copying something they have heard before. These experiences form the foundation of their inner being, and it is to these memories that they return time and time again, both in childhood and later in life.
In middle childhood the conscious mind starts to wake up as children enter the alpha state. Awareness grows and they begin to practice making choices for themselves.
In Play
When we consider that the body of a young child needs to move and that their brain is in receptor mode, we can understand the benefits of play. Through the experience of play, children process information and learn about the world around them as well as themselves. Play puts thoughts into motion and so exercises the brain, creating new neural pathways and strengthening existing ones. These neural pathways will later be used when doorways for intellectual thought present themselves. When children play, the pituitary gland releases oxytocin, a nine amino acid hormone and neurotransmitter. Oxytocin promotes feelings of friendliness, caring, generosity and connectedness, all of which contribute to physical, mental and emotional well-being. A balanced childhood with enough play can reduce stress for everyone and may even save on medical bills.
As children travel through the stages of childhood, the ways in which they play change. However, creativity and curiosity are the basis of play, no matter the age. For example, babies and toddlers play through the exploration of body and movement. This prepares the brain for the next development phase. Younger children often play for no reason other than pleasure, while older children enjoy working towards a specific outcome. The world of pretend is a necessary means of development for those who are absorbing new experiences all the time. The safe space of play provides an opportunity to explore emotions and situations that are relevant to the child at a particular time. Children benefit by playing with family and people that are close to them. Play with a parent is critically important, says Howard Gardener, a developmental psychologist. He explains that a child learns to play, first and foremost, from family members.
There is more to play than games, laughter and physical activity. Play is a basic intelligence that develops the human being as a whole.
CHAPTER 2
UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES
"He who knows others may have knowledge enough to predict the rain, but he who knows himself, will see with the clarity of the sun and moon" - Lao Tzu (Tao Te Ching)
If the state of our bodies and, ultimately, the course of our lives was affected purely by our genes and DNA, we would enter this world as victims of our genetic inheritance. Fortunately, researchers have proven otherwise. We now know that the environment in which cells live determines their responses, and thus the health of the individual's body and life as a whole. Our beliefs control our bodies, our mind and our lives.
This flow system starts with our thoughts which, depending on the type of thought and the emotion attached to it, trigger various chemical reactions in the brain. These signals from the brain course through the blood stream affecting trillions of cells. In essence, healthy thinking creates a healthy body. This means that our life is not made up of random events but is powered by our mind.
American biologist, Dr Bruce Lipton, explains in his book, Biology of Belief: "Our genes are constantly being remodelled in response to life experiences. Through experience we gain perception and these perceptions shape our biology" What wonderful news to know that we do always have a choice, even in our darkest hours.
The Subconscious Mind
Our beliefs originate from the behaviour-recording system active in our formative years, as explained in the previous chapter, Understanding the Young Child. In adults, the programming of the subconscious decreases as our brains operate at higher frequency alpha waves. Thus, many of our automatic responses in adult life stem from what we learnt as young children. While the words may have changed, the emotional feeling is still the same. For example, let's say one of my parents responded with a sigh of irritation when I talked to them whilst watching television. Today, I see myself sighing when I am interrupted. If we find ourselves reacting in the same manner more than twice then we know we have developed a habit.
Of course the subconscious mind has its purpose. It is a valuable tool and can assist, without supervision, during times of emergency. When quick thinking is required we cannot afford to ponder pros and cons. We need action!
The subconscious is the dominating hemisphere and is able to handle around two thousand impressions per moment, unlike the conscious which is capable of dealing with a handful of impressions. For this reason, it is virtually impossible to maintain a new resolution or change a habit if the subconscious has not been reprogrammed. The habits of this lower region of the brain overpower the good intentions of the upper brain. You can read more about rewiring the brain at www. helenhansen.co
The Conscious Mind
The conscious mind is the self which plans, thinks and connects with our body and emotions. When we are in a conscious state we are alert, aware and fully in the present moment. We can connect more easily with others and are more receptive to people and situations. As adults, our conscious mind has the power to reset the subconscious mind when we are in this conscious state and using our conscious mind to its full potential. Dr Lipton says: "The way we see life causes our nervous system to release chemistry into the brain, this is then released back into our blood which in turn controls the fate of our cells. Thus as you change your mind you change your beliefs and your biology"
Getting to know ourselves can be one of the most difficult and daunting tasks we can commit to, fortunately the experience and results far exceeds the discomfort. Becoming aware of our subconscious behaviour is attained through a conscious choice. Thus, it is with the intention of the conscious mind that one can create subconscious habits, patterns and reactions that are beneficial. Dr Deepak Chopra, alternative medicine advocate, says our potentiality as human beings is infinite. The benefits of this divine expression of ourselves reaches far and wide, touching our children, our family, friends, colleagues and beyond.
OBSERVATION EXERCISE:
This exercise is about getting to know oneself on a deeper level, without judgement.
1. Find a time in the day when you can sit quietly for five minutes, or longer, without any interruptions.
2. Sitting comfortably, with eyes closed, follow your breath as it goes in and out your nose. Feel the air touch each nostril. Do this until you are calm and your heart rate is even.
3. Notice how your body is feeling. Move your attention all over your body as you scan for tension.
4. Notice what emotions you are feeling. Acknowledge them. You can do this by silently saying the emotion and then breathing into the word. As you breathe out release it. Continue for as long as is comfortable.
5. Count backwards from ten and then slowly open your eyes.
6. Take a minute or two to write down the first thoughts that come to you. Do not think about what you are writing, just write. Use cursive as the flowing quality of cursive engages your right brain and allows your inner voice to emerge. When done, close the book. Do not analyse.
7. If you do this regularly, when you look back through your journal of thoughts, weeks or months later, you may be amazed at what it reveals. Often, at the time of an event, our view is narrow, as if looking through a peephole. When you read your writing at a later date, it may speak to you in a new way. Suddenly, your vision becomes clearer and your view expands.
CHAPTER 3
PERCEPTIONS
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" - Max Planck
Have you ever woken up and felt, 'Today is going to be a good day!' It certainly started that way, even when your child took ages to get ready, s/he spilt juice and you were then late for work, you still keep that sunshine feeling. The tipping point came when your little sunshine turned into a lightning bolt and started acting out for no reason. This really did it for you. Your lid snapped shut, the water boiled and steam gushed out of your ears. You may have even said something not so polite. Have you ever had one of these days? What happened to your morning motto? The day was not even halfway through, and you were letting out the lions and tigers. How did it all change so fast?
We all have habits that we repeat without thinking, automatic reactions or compulsive disorders that disrupt both our life and the lives of others. However, these habitual behaviours are not only reflected in things we do but can also be the way in which we perceive the world, other people, and our inner selves. Often, our sense of self is influenced by people in our close environment and how we perceive the opinions they project onto us. For example, if you were labelled lazy by a teacher, you may take this opinion on board and manifest it in other areas of your life. Yet, nobody is lazy all the time. Likewise, no one is productive all the time Such beliefs are limiting. You can release yourself from being hooked into yesterday's stories by making a conscious choice to do so. By creating successful affirmations for you and your child you empower your future.
Breaking Old Habits
The perception you have about what others say or what you think others think of you will affect your thoughts, emotions and ultimately your behaviour. So too, how you view your child, partner and other close people in your life will affect your relationships with them. All these steps in the maze add up to the full experience of day to day living.
The key word to look at is 'perception' because it can create puzzle pieces that flow into each other, or ones that require a hammer and chisel method. Dr John Demartini, human behaviour specialist, says, "If you see more support than challenge or more challenge than support, you get illness. If you see a synchronicity of support and challenge simultaneously, you get wellness".
The good news is: you can reset your perception pattern to one that will be beneficial to you and your loved ones. It starts with awareness. In every moment lives a choice.
EQUILIBRATION EXERCISE
Words can shift the way we see and think about people and situations. If we are caught in negative thinking patterns about our child or ourselves, we need to look for the flip side.
• Write down three things about your child that you often react to.
• Write down how you perceive this action or trait.
• Now, write down an alternate way of looking at each.
• For example, a slow child can also be seen as someone who experiences each moment fully, or a loud child can be perceived as being assertive.
• Write in the first person how you can verbalise your new perception. Now, go out and use it.
• Repeat the above exercise on yourself.
CHAPTER 4
INTUITION
"Intuition is the new physics. It's an Einstein, seven-sense, practical way to make a tough decision." - Tom Peters
If you have ever been faced with a difficult situation where a quick decision was required, you may recall relying on your instinct. Gerd Gigerenser, cognitive scientist, says "The intelligence of the unconscious is knowing, without thinking, which rule is likely to work in which situation" Looking at the history of mankind, we see that our ancestors developed certain neural pathways in order to deal with the threats of daily survival. These pathways bypass the cortex and run directly to the brain's emotional control centre. This is what we today call gut reaction.
British psychologist Guy Claxton, says in his book, Hare Brain, Tortoise Mind, that our mind operates at three basic speeds; contemplative; deliberate and intuitive. Each has its place. As with our ancestors, an instant response may seem to come out of nowhere in a highly emotional or dangerous situation. At other times, our intuition may appear as subtle as a small voice talking to us while we are calm and equilibrated. Our intuition is available whenever we need it. It is up to us to accept and tune into this part of ourselves in order to explore and maximise our potential. Caroline Myss, author of Anatomy of the Spirit, says: "Intuitive ability is present in everyone because it is a survival skill, not a spiritual intention".
No matter what ego state one is in (parent, adult or child), the 'wise you' is present. The 'wise you' is always available, if you are ready to listen. Sometimes, when emotions are running at full throttle, the 'wise you' cannot be heard or felt. Balanced emotions allow a deeper connection with yourself and provide the opportunity for intuition to be received.
Children and Intuition
Children automatically focus in the present moment, thus they have a high sense of intuition. This natural gift can aid them on all levels, including academically. Rob Hanson, a Jungian psychologist, talks about the intuitive person as being able to perceive things in terms of possibilities, meaning and relationships. He says: "The intuiter has an active imagination, is continually coming with new ideas, is often inspired, and enjoys tackling new and unresolved problems."
One day after a swimming lesson, my son, Kairos, asked for something acidic to drink. I had brought water, so told him that what he needs after exercise is water. He begged for orange juice. "My body really feels like it needs acid," he said. Ordinarily, I would have said yes and for a moment, I nearly did. In the end I decided against it as I felt I needed to stand my ground. By evening, Kairos had a snotty nose and the next morning he woke with a head cold. The first thought that sped through my mind was, I could have listened to my child's intuition of what his body needed.
Children feel and record frequencies of all kinds. When someone close by has a negative thought, it leaves an imprint on them. Thus, it is advantageous to be aware of not only our words but our thoughts, too.
How Intuition can Assist You
Embracing your own internal knowingness will assist in cultivating intuition in the children around you. Perspective opens up a whole new realm for learning when we give ourselves the space to step back and breathe. Of course, not all decisions can be made on intuition alone. Rather, we should acknowledge the power of intuition and use it along with our contemplative and deliberate states. When you can trust that inner voice with surety, an air of calm and stability surrounds you and envelops those around you. The moment doubt enters the equation children pick up on it and chaos erupts.
Considering that most western education systems do not incorporate intuition into their practice, this skill should be nurtured in a child's formative years, providing a cushion for their future life. As adults, we can encourage this by acknowledging the child's feelings, even if we do not understand it, agree with it or are able to follow through with their request.
