Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom - Softcover

Reginald Bakeley Foreword By Clint Marsh

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1573245321 ISBN 13: 9781573245326

Publisher: Conari Press, 2012

Synopsis

Plagued by pixies, goaded by goblins or bothered by gnomes? Help is on the way! Help is here. This is the essential primer for banishing the dark Fairy creatures that are lurking in the dark corners and crevices of your life.

In this charming guide, fairy hunter Reginald Bakeley offers practical instructions to clear your home and garden of goblins and banish them forever!

In GOBLINPROOFING ONE'S CHICKEN COOP readers will discover:

The most surprising weapon to use when hunting gnomes

What absinthe drinking has to do with strawberry gardening

Why a garden fumigator may come in handy on evenings at the Pub

Why a toy-merchant, a butcher and a Freemason are among your best allies in the fight against the fey

GOBLINPROOFING ONE'S CHICKEN COOP is the only complete manual on how to identify, track, defend and, if needed, destroy those bothersome brownies, goblins, dwarves, scheming flower-fairies and other nasty members of the fairy realm.

About this title

About the Author

Reginald Bakeley is best known for his longstanding editorship of Phooka, The Journal of the Overland Mallet Club. An avid sportsman and defender of rural life, Bakeley has devoted himself to public awareness and management of fairy populations throughout Britain. Visit him at www.goblinproofing.com. Clint Marsh is a writer and publisher of Wonderella Printed, books of practical esoterica.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

GOBLINPROOFING ONE'S CHICKEN COOP

And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom

By REGINALD BAKELEY

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 2012 Reginald Bakeley
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-532-6

Contents

Foreword by Clint Marsh
Manifesto by Reginald Bakeley
For Hearth & Home
First Principles of Faerie
Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop
A Groundskeeper's Guide to Dwarfs
The Second-Sight Smallholder
A Few Words about Flower-Fairies
The Abuses of Enchantment
The Fight Afield
First Aid for the Fairy-Shot
On Gnoming
An Iron Nail in Your Pocket
Faerie-Foraging
The Uncanny Companion
Resources
Bonus Material

CHAPTER 1

FIRST PRINCIPLES OF FAERIE

The Pernicious Pervasiveness of Faerie • The Brownie: A Misunderstood Fairy • ItsAmbitions • The Boggart • Finding Its Lair and Motives • Methods of Routing • A SampleLetter • Maelstrom

Seen from the outside, the life of a dashing country gentleman such as myselfmust look like an endless parade of pleasure. Whilst I'll admit that this observation isfundamentally true, there isn't a single activity—no pheasant shoot, no cricket match, noafternoon of riverbank angling—that is not saturated with potential interference from thatmost ancient and insufferable people, the fairies. Perhaps the most unsettling quality ofthese so-called "goodpeople" is how they have insinuated themselves into every aspect ofdaily life. Far from being content to contain their caperings to the sylvan grove, nor to halttheir march at the front gate or flower bed, these bogeys of childhood nightmare and adultparanoia are to be found nearly anywhere one might cast a glance. In my own life, thefairies and their mischievous pranks have caused me no end of trouble, scaring off myentire household staff, souring many of my closest friendships, and exacting unwantedexpense and worry until all I'm left with are a few tattered scraps of sanity. These I raiseas war banner against the fey. I beseech you to rally beside me.

Of all the innumerable types of fairies, the one most commonly encountered, yet also themost commonly misunderstood, is the brownie. Here is a nocturnal fairy "helper" whostands no taller than the spout of one's teapot, yet is able to single-handedly carry out anastonishing number of household tasks. Renowned historically for its knack for churningbutter and grinding wheat into flour, the modern brownie has mastered a repertoirerevolving around pressed laundry and freshly brewed cups of tea. In exchange for itslabour, it might skim a dram of milk from the bottle or gnaw the occasional simple crust ofbread.

It sounds pleasant enough, having one of these magnificently industrious creaturesscampering about, but the household harbouring a brownie would do better to consideritself not blessed but beset.

I say "beset" because in truth the brownie is nothing but a ruthless social climber. In themists of antiquity, brownies were simple spirits of the earth. Yet as civilisation grew, theseambitious fairies hitched a ride, haunting hearthstones and lurking in linen baskets, bidingtheir time until they themselves could have proper houses of their own. Now these jealouscreatures live in a limbo-land between the Fairy Kingdom and our own world, residents ofboth places but full citizens of neither. By serving us endless cups of tea and pressing ourclothes into immaculate crispness, they hope to ingratiate themselves upon us. They hopeto become, in a word, men.

This is a preposterous state of affairs.

Even though the brownies are ignorant of their rightful place, I could almost be persuadedto adopt them into the fold; they're that fantastically useful. What stays my heart, though,is the brownie's fatal flaw—bitterness. Eons of toil have built up a terrible supply of enmityin them, and this much rage, condensed into the brownie's tiny frame, is little more than apowder keg, one sporting the shortest of fuses. The brownie is a learned scholar of itsown twisted version of etiquette, and the slightest affront to its sensibilities can send it intoa murderous rage, twisting its form into that of the monstrous boggart, as destructive asthe brownie is helpful. Whilst a home hosting a brownie lodger may be the picture ofcomfort and peace, the coming of the boggart is the undoing of all of this and is asdisquieting as a herd of wild boars let loose in the parlour.

So should you awaken one morning to discover an unexplained cup of impeccably brewedtea atop your kitchen counter or slide open your dresser drawer to find a stack of perfectlyironed handkerchiefs, rejoice not. Instead, I urge you to commence with the followingsequence of proven countermeasures. The brownie depends upon your gratitude, and themore of its ingratiating favours you allow yourself, the more difficult it will be to rid yourhome of the sycophantic squatter, who will inevitably transform and throw into turmoil allyou have worked so hard to achieve.

Firstly, you must locate precisely where in your household the brownie has set upresidence. Brownies are at the bottom of the barrel figuratively and quite often literally.Upturn your entire home until you find its hidey-hole. Open all the kitchen cabinets andpull out their contents, especially from seldom-used cupboards. Worry not about upsettingthe brownie in his lair. If he hears you coming, he will flee in modesty and shame, hopingthat you will overlook his home.

The purpose of this search is not to catch the brownie but rather to see exactly what hisaspirations are. A miniature dormitory set up in the back of a cupboard may be recognisedby a doll's house bed and tiny grass mat arranged in mock domesticity by the brownie.Once you find them, look more closely. What you are after are details. A framed Queen'sheadpostage stamp or a coronation tea cup now employed as a bathtub indicates you'vegot a miniscule royalist in your midst. A preserved dragonfly or a stuffed shrew shows upthe work of a budding naturalist. Quickly take a series of mental notes and be careful notto disturb anything you chance upon. You wish only to observe and depart, before thebrownie musters the courage to return and sees what you're up to.

Once you have determined to your satisfaction the particular longings of your household'sambitious stowaway, you are ready to take real steps towards its removal. And how is abrownie infestation such as this best handled, you may ask? Perhaps with poison, traps,or dogs? These are all perfectly effective methods against lesser vermin, but none of themare sufficient to withstand the wrath of the boggart. What this situation calls for is tact,cunning, and above all, kindness, even if it is the sort which is only feinted at.

The way to deal with any such freeloader is to thank him overmuch, to play on hisinsecurities and let him know, in a roundabout way, that he has no hope of ever escapinghis Faerie origins and joining the world of men, at least not in this household. Get thee to atailor, my friend, and take a brownie-sized doll with you. Commission a suit of clothingperfect for your brownie's interests, the more formal or comprehensive the better. Does hefancy himself an equestrian, for example? A hacking jacket and a pair of riding breechesare required. If your brownie possesses mountaineering leanings, a Tyrolean sports coatand a tidily spooled length of twine are the beginning elements of a smart Alpinercostume.

Once complete, the outfit should be brought home wrapped in paper so as to be safe fromprying brownie eyes. Keep it within view as you prepare the second half of your remedyand the clincher: the effusive letter of thanks.

I'll admit that the composition of this letter calls for some strength of will in order to keepyour writing hand from going into spasms, but remember there are times in life whensentiment trumps sincerity and this is one of them. Aim to flatter, yes, but with fullindication that you recognise the brownie as a brownie, not as the man it wishes to be. Igive here an example of how to compose one such letter. Use it as you will, or not—I'msure your own situation will call for a letter with its own particular flavour.

Estimable House Brownie
Back Corner
Pan Cabinet
Kitchen
Bakeley Hall
Pembrokeshire, Wales

My dear Mr. Brownie,

Since you've come to stay, the house has positively gleamed with cleanliness and goodcheer. Oh, to think I've got my very own fairy! It's such a pleasure to know you're around. Imust be imagining the wee tinkle of bells, so unobtrusive are you as you prepare suchunparalleled cups of tea. And the pocket handkerchiefs! Never before have they enjoyedsuch crisp creases.

I've told everyone I know what good fortune it is to have a little fairy all to myself. My onlyregret is that I can't repay you with more than this new suit of clothes for your days off,when you are free to trundle about and play at your little "man" activities. So charming andquaint! Thank you, thank you twenty times over, you diligent and amusing creature!

Yours sincerely,Reginald Bakeley

In my experience it is easier to write such a letter whilst biting into an old belt, althoughthis can get in the way of the oft-consulted whisky tumbler. I trust you'll find the way thatworks best for you.

Fold the letter into an envelope addressed to the brownie and place it, along with thewrapped suit of clothes, just outside his lair. Then hurry, because the clock is ticking andyou have only until nightfall to secure your home against the coming tempest. Swing openthe front door of the house and stow any fine china or irreplaceable heirlooms in yourbedchambers. Lock yourself in there as well and try, just try, to get to sleep that night. Iventure to say you'll have a devil of a time drifting off, as at any minute the brownie willemerge from his hidey-hole to try on the clothes and read the letter. It is then but a matterof seconds before the reaction. The astute brownie will realise it has no chance of everbeing anything but a fairy in your eyes and, transforming into the boggart and hurlinginvectives and whatever household objects are not tied down, will storm out the opendoor, never to return. Should your brownie not be bright enough to understand yourmeaning, he will delight in the gift and simply set off on a new life with his dashing set ofclothing, confident he has at last "arrived."

In either case, the bounder is gone. Restore your house to order, throw out all the littlefurnishings in the brownie's lair, and give the cupboard a proper scrubbing. Your life andyour home are once more your own. Brew yourself a cup of tea and smile, for you havereclaimed the first crucial piece of territory in your fight against the meddling antics of thefey.

CHAPTER 2

GOBLINPROOFING ONE'S CHICKEN COOP

The Gentlemanly Art of Chickenry • What Are Goblins? • The Vileness of Changeling Eggs• Goblin Migrations • Ley Lines and Ley Markers • De-Sanctification

Surely there is no pursuit more rewarding than the gentlemanly art of chickenry.For a minor initial investment an individual can provide boundless meat and eggs forhimself and his family, and will reap the benefits of a natural alarm clock in the form of therooster's crow at dawn. The dark forces of the fey never truly let man rest, however, andthe threat of a goblin intrusion into the hen cottage is a danger which can destroy a finecoop, its residents, and the very will of the farmer. But a few simple checks and alterationsto your existing chicken coop can keep it and its plucky cluckers secure against thisunbearable prospect.

Goblins are the marauding vagabonds of the Fairy Kingdom, roving alone or in mobs fromtown to town. They relish upsetting the sensibilities of man and fairy alike with their crassways. Goblins love to eat eggs and delight in using them in pranks, and they are known tolodge in chicken coops in two ways: as willing tenants or as changelings. The formereither wander into the hen cottage and decide to stay or in some instances are trapped,the mechanics of which I will explain shortly. The latter—changelings—are swappedduring their goblin infancy for a hen of your own. Both types of goblin are hazardous, asthey will grow into warped versions of your hens if left in the coop. Aside from the perilpresented by their eggs, which they do indeed begin to lay after a short while, goblin hensare notorious for their tempers, which are nearly as quick as their razor-sharp beaks.

To keep goblins from approaching your hen cottage voluntarily, it is advisable to keep theplace as tidy as possible. A thorough cleaning every two weeks will maintain yourchickens' happiness and health, and will repel potential miscreants from calling the littlehouse their own, as goblins prefer dwellings similar to the murky, filthy caves of their ownkingdom.

Nothing spoils a carefully prepared breakfast like the cracking of a changeling egg. Whilstso many of these dangerous ovoids look and feel perfectly normal, they possess repulsivequalities seldom noticed until mealtime. Some are filled with maggots, others with blood.There are reports of changeling eggs as hard as concrete and others which explode whenbroken. A few have beautiful shells which hatch tuberculosis and smallpox.

The Ungerslud family of Shropshire was the unlucky recipient of a goblin curse viachangeling eggs, for the morning after the eggs were eaten, the lot of them awoke withtheir legs on backwards, as they remain today. Young Ettie Ungerslud went on to becomea source of local pride by clinching the National Backwards Hopscotch Championship laterthat year, but surely you can imagine that life is not all fun and games under such a curse.

In all honesty, it's not always the goblin's fault when it becomes trapped in a chicken coop.Being a stubborn and rather stupid lot, goblins are not able to change their course unlesssensibly advised. And so it is not uncommon that, when travelling from place to place,these nomadic scoundrels enter into structures from which, according to their ownobstinate logic, there is no escape. A small crack between the planks of the east-facingwall of the coop, for example, will trap any goblin coming from that direction unless thereis a corresponding gap on the west side.

A chicken farmer in St. Leonards Grange, on England's southern coast, once discovered agoblin in his coop. When the surprised rustic asked the goblin whence it came, itresponded, "From the far, far north." To the question of "And where are you going?" theinmate replied, "To the far, far south." Indeed, upon inspection the farmer found a minorcrevice in the northern wall of the coop and none in the south. Wise to the goblin's ways,the farmer kindly offered to pry a plank from the south wall to free him, but warned himthat there was nothing in that direction but the cold dark sea. The grateful intruderadmitted that he had no idea he would have leapt into the ocean with his next steps andasked the farmer if there was anything he could do to repay the favour.

The simpleton thought for a long while, as one does when granted a fairy wish, and finallydecided that the goblin should marry his daughter, who was very ugly and more troublethan she was worth. The goblin agreed happily and took the horrified, screaming girl withhim on his way back to the northern coast. The farmer breathed a sigh of relief, knowingthat life would be good from then on, his breakfasts safe from repulsive changeling eggs.

Ley lines are channels of energy which run along the surface of the earth, tracingconnecting pathways between stone circles, burial mounds, and other particulargeographical features and man-made edifices. Fairies of all sorts, including goblins, usethem as a network of highways, and if your chicken coop happens to rest upon one ofthese channels, then my fine fellow, it's only a matter of time before you acquire your firstchangeling hen.

Every chickener should check his hen cottage's location and ensure it is not built on a leyline. On a cloudless day, climb to the roof of the coop and point the tail end of itsweathervane in the precise direction of the nearest site of ancient and mysterious origin. Ifthere is no such place in sight as you stand atop the roof, get down and, with the help of amap and the following list of ley markers from Alfred Watkins's The Old Straight Track, findthe most significant example nearest your farm.

Watkins's List of Ley Markers, in Descending Importance

• Mounds (burial mounds and similar earthworks)

• Stones (megaliths of various description)

• Circular Moats

• Castles

• Traditional Wells

• Early Churches

• Crossroads

• Road Alignments (especially those longer than 1½ miles)

• Notched Fords

• Un-Notched Fords

• Tree Groups (particularly those atop named hills)

• Ancient, Named Trees

• Hillside Notches

• Track Junctions

• Camps or Hill-Forts

• Ponds

• Square Moats

In his Mythology of the British Isles, Geoffrey Ashe notes that hillside figures such as thechalk horses of Uffington and Cherill have recently been added to the bottom of the list. Assuch, these are fine for you to use, at a pinch.

Return to the roof. Once the weathervane is positioned with tail feathers pointing towardsthe ascertained ley marker, squat down and align your gaze in the opposite direction,along the path of the weathervane's arrow. If along its line you see or note on your mapanything listed above, be it well or moat, notch or mound, then you are advisedstraightaway to fashion for your coop a doormat which reads, "WELCOME, SPRITES!" foryou will soon be entertaining such guests. Researchers have concluded that ley lines canat times be quite broad, stretching miles across, and dowsers have determined that leylines sometimes have a slight curve to them. Allowing an extra ten degrees to either sideof your weathervane arrow's path may therefore give you a clearer sense of your coop'ssusceptibility to changelings.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from GOBLINPROOFING ONE'S CHICKEN COOP by REGINALD BAKELEY. Copyright © 2012 Reginald Bakeley. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: Conari Press
• Publication date: 2012
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1573245321
• ISBN 13: 9781573245326
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 208