How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating - Softcover

Cloud Ph.D., Dr. Henry; Townsend, Dr. John

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0310267145 ISBN 13: 9780310267140

Publisher: Zondervan, 2005

Synopsis

The practical handbook for having that difficult conversation you've been avoiding by the authors of the award-winning and bestselling Boundaries. Now with a discussion guide!

About this title

From the Back Cover

A practical handbook on positive confrontation, now available in softcover with a discussion guide

Successful people confront well. They know that setting healthy boundaries improves relationships and can solve important problems. They have discovered that uncomfortable situations can be avoided or resolved through direct conversation. But most of us don't know how to have difficult conversations, and see confrontation as scary or adversarial. Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend take the principles from their bestselling book, Boundaries, and apply them to a variety of the most common difficult situations and relationships in order to:
• Show how healthy confrontation can improve relationships
• Present the essentials of a good boundary-setting conversation
• Provide tips on preparing for the conversation
• Show how to tell people what you want, stop bad behavior, and deal with counterattack
• Give actual examples of conversations to have with your spouse, your date, your kids, your coworker, your parents, and more!

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been AvoidingThe Talk CanChange Your LifeAs we speak around the country at conferences on relationships,we will often hear some version of the following story.A man will come up and say, 'Thanks for your materials onsetting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and mymarriage.'We will say, 'Thank you, too. So what book did you read?''I didn't read a book,' the man will say. 'My wife did!'He will go on to explain: 'I was a crummy communicator withmy wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I had no spirituallife to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and she startedapplying the principles. That's when things started changing forboth of us. It took some time and effort, but I'm really different now. We are closer, and we have more respect for each other and morefreedom in the relationship. I'm doing a lot better with those badhabits, and I'm waking up to my relationship with God.'You would normally expect someone to talk about a book he hasactually read. However, this man's unexpected response illustratesa reality: The person who has the problem in a relationship oftenisn't taking responsibility for his problem. This was bad news forthe man's wife. She wanted to see change, but he either didn't seea problem, thought it wasn't a big issue, or thought his wife wasoverreacting. This can leave the wife who cares for her husbandfeeling helpless, discouraged, and less able to feel love in her heartfor him.But there is good news. Though the person with the problem maynot be taking responsibility for, or 'owning,' the problem, the personaffected by the problem can change things. You may be themotivated one, the one who is concerned, sees the problem, andfeels discomfort from it, whether it be a bad attitude or a bad behavior. Infact, you may be feeling more pain and discomfort than theother person. In our example, the wife, before confronting her husband,most likely had to deal with isolation, lack of freedom, hisbad habits, and the emptiness of not having a spiritual partner.Things can change when the person experiencing the effectsof the problem takes the initiative to resolve it. This wife took thefirst step. She became aware that her husband's ways weren't goodfor either of them and that nothing would change unless she didsomething herself.That first step is often a conversation, a talk, a face-to-face confrontationwith the other person. It is a conversation in which thetwo peoplediscuss the problem andwhat can be done about it. It is a talk oftruth. That single conversation may beall that's needed. But more likely, it willbe the beginning of a series of conversationsand events, as it was with themarriage in our example.We want to affirm and validate yourdecision to have 'the conversation youhave been avoiding.' How to have that conversation is the coreneed this book addresses. You need a caring yet honest and effectiveway to confront someone in your life. The Bible teaches --- andresearch supports the idea --- that you can develop the skills andtools to be able to confront well.Things can changewhen the personexperiencing the effects of the problem takes theinitiative to resolve it.What Is a Boundary?Before we go further, however, we need to define a term that willcome up a lot in this book: boundary.Simply put, a boundary is your personal 'property line.' It defineswho you are, where you end, and where others begin. It refers to thetruth, to reality, to what is. When you confront someone about aproblem, you are setting a boundary. You can set a boundary withyour words when you are honest and when you establish a consequencefor another's hurtful actions.Boundaries help define who we are in our relationships. When weknow what we want and do not want, what we are for and against,what we love and hate, what is 'me' and what is 'not me,' we aresetting boundaries. Peoplewith good boundaries are clear abouttheir opinions, beliefs, and attitudes --- in the way that Jesus taught:'Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyondthis comes from the evil one' (Matt. 5:37). Peoplewithout clearboundaries are unsure of their opinions, feelings, and beliefs. Theyfind themselves easily controlled by the demands of others becausethey feel unsure of themselves when they need to take a stand.Boundaries also help protect us from injury and harm. By settingboundaries we can take responsibility for the lives and giftsGod has given us: 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is thewellspring of life' (Prov. 4:23). Boundaries protect our values, feelings,time, energy, and attitudes. When a person says to another, 'Iwant you to stop criticizing me in public,' he is setting a protectiveboundary.God himself has boundaries. He designed them and lives themout. He is clear on who he is, what he is for, and what he is against. He is for relationship, truth, love, and honesty, and he is againstoppression, injustice, sin, and evil: 'For I, the Lord, love justice;I hate robbery and iniquity' (Isa. 61:8). (For more information onboundaries, please refer to our books Boundaries, Boundaries inMarriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Dating.)In this book we deal with one specific aspect of boundaries: Wetell you how to set them by having a helpful and effective 'talk'with another person. We will sometimes refer to that confrontationas a boundary conversation, that is, a talk with someone in whichyou confront a problem you want to resolve with the person.

Edition details

• Publisher: Zondervan
• Publication date: 2005
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0310267145
• ISBN 13: 9780310267140
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 320