Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

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9780062102225: Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

“The Funniest Memoir You’ll Ever Read”* from one of the “Funniest People on Twitter”**

“Will make you love her even more than you probably already do. . . . Truly hilarious, with a wonderful sense of sarcasm, intelligence and a healthy dose of irony mixed in. . . . I couldn’t put this book down—you won’t be able to, either.” HelloGiggles.com

From her beginnings as a wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds, through her spirited adventures watching self-gratifying monkeys, throwing up on Chinese-food delivery men, and stalking Leonardo DiCaprio, here are the goofy highs and horrifying lows of life as Kelly Oxford.

“Terribly funny, and often on par with the work of essayists she herself admires, such as Jonathan Ames, Sloane Crosley and David Sedaris.” —National Post

“One of the funniest voices ever to hit the Internet uses her trademark blend of biting wit and self-deprecation to find hilarity in everyday life.” NPR

“I read this. It isn’t as good as The Wizard of Oz.” —Beatrix, age five, can’t read

* The Frisky ** Rolling Stone

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From the Back Cover:

Kelly Oxford is . . .

A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

Not the queen of the world

An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

Totally an expert on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

A writer

A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." Bea, age four

Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon

A terrible liar

"

About the Author:

 Kelly Oxford, born in Edmonton, Canada, currently lives in Los Angeles with her three children. She is the author of the New York Times bestseller Everything is Perfect When You’re a Liar. You can find her avoiding her book and screen writing on Twitter and Instagram (@kellyoxford). She likes poodles and PBS.

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Oxford, Kelly
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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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Kelly Oxford
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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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