Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

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9780062102225: Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

Kelly Oxford is . . .

A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

Not the queen of the world

An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

Totally an expert on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

A writer

A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." --Bea, age four

Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." --Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon

A terrible liar

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Review:

“Kelly Oxford has this unbelievable ability to tell stories in that way that makes you laugh without ever shoving jokes in your face. This book is basically an announcement that she’s one of the best humor writers working today.” ( Justin Halpern, author of Sh*t My Dad Says)

“Kelly Oxford is like your cool babysitter who teaches you about sex and sarcasm in an un-creepy way. Hanging out with her book makes you wish your parents were always out to dinner.” ( Lena Dunham)

“Kelly Oxford is a refreshing rarity in a sea of Hollywood suck-ups. She’s hilarious, hot, and the most truthful liar I’ve ever encountered.” ( Diablo Cody)

“Kelly Oxford is the friend we all deserve-the one who tells us the best secrets, takes us on all the finest adventures, and remembers every hilariously embarrassing detail. Everything Is Perfect is sharply funny, and truly great.” ( Cameron Crowe)

Everything Is Perfect When You’re A Liar is personal without being exploitative, smart but utterly unpretentious, and a complete delight to read. I’m not lying when I say this book is damn near perfect.” ( The Frisky, named "The Funniest Memoir You'll Ever Read")

“Oxford’s writing is marked by the same wry voice that’s made her a social media sensation.” ( Los Angeles Times)

“[Oxford’s] new book is full of humorous stories about growing up, making mistakes, stalking Leonardo DiCaprio, and braving Disneyland. . . It’s funny but also surprisingly touching. . . a coming-of-age story. . . just a hell of a lot funnier.” ( Forbes)

“Kelly Oxford is the new cool kid in Hollywood. . . [In] Everything is Perfect When You’re A Liar Oxford displays the comic relief that’s been drawing celebrities like Jimmy Kimmel and Jessica Alba to her Twitter feed since 2009.” ( New York Daily News)

“[Oxford] is one freakin’ funny lady. . . Hilarious.” ( Daily Candy)

“Kelly Oxford in 140 characters seems like small doses of a great drug. We want more! Thanks to her new book, we’ve got it.” ( Lifestyle Mirror)

“A hilariously mortifying memoir. . . Oxford plumbs her past for painful moments and turns them into slyly funny stories. . . These vignettes are vulnerable and powerful—they make us feel less freakish by comparison. Effortlessly cool, offbeat, devilish, dramatic Oxford makes sense and smart humor from her adventures.” ( Interview)

“[Oxford’s] first book of humorous essays and we can officially confirm: They are indeed humorous.” ( E! Online)

“The anecdotes included in the book will make you love [Oxford] even more than you probably already do, if that’s even possible. Kelly is truly hilarious. . . I couldn’t put this book down – you won’t be able to, either.” ( HelloGiggles.com)

About the Author:

Kelly Oxford, dubbed "the Queen of Twitter" by Details, started writing at five years old when she penciled "I had a baby" into her Hello Kitty diary, and she hasn't stopped since. She now writes words that companies like Warner Bros., CBS, and NBC have bought for film and television and magazines like GQ have published. You can read more of her words online in places like Twitter (@kellyoxford) and Tumblr (kellyoxford.tumblr.com). Born in Edmonton, Canada, she currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children, who all wish they weren't in this book.

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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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Kelly Oxford
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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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Book Description It Books, 2013. Hard Cover. Book Condition: New. Dust Jacket Condition: New. First Edition First Printing. 8vo - over 7¾" - 9¾" tall. This is a new hardcover first edition, first printing copy in a new, mylar protected DJ, greenish spine. Bookseller Inventory # 061816

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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc. Hardback. Book Condition: new. BRAND NEW, Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar, Kelly Oxford, Well, she's bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog "Eject" and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly's voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don't have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone's crotch I say, 'Sorry, she's one of those cancer-smelling dogs.' Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole. 'She's a total psycho.' 'Completely.' 'But I mean, I still like her.' 'Me too, she's sweet.' -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # B9780062102225

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