Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks

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9780061733154: Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks

Lisa Lampanelli, who Howard Stern calls “a true original and a brilliant comedy mind,” reveals all in Chocolate, Please, a jaw-droppingly hilarious, politically incorrect memoir on everything from relationships, food, and fat to why once you go black, you never go back. The gutter-mouthed, Grammy-nominated comedienne happily dishes on nearly everything—from why all white women should date black men to the virtues of codependency to how to turn a stick of butter into parental love and attention—delightedly skewering all topics with equal fervor, herself included.

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Book Description

An inside look at the life of Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli, as she dishes on everything from relationships, food, and fat to why once you go black, you never go back

In her jaw-droppingly hilarious and politically incorrect memoir, Lisa reveals all—including the dysfunctional childhood that made her the insult comic she is today, the subject for which she's best known (black men, black men, and more black men), and her hilarious struggles with her addiction to food and hot guys. By telling her story in her very real, very candid, very open way, Lisa shows her audience that it's okay to be yourself, even if it's just one rehab stint at a time. Lisa also takes readers behind the scenes at the roasts that have marked her comedy career and launched her into the comedy elite, and reveals the important "firsts" in her career, including her first time on her hero's program, The Howard Stern Show.

Chocolate, Please is a side-splittingly funny portrait of the woman behind the award-winning insult comedy.

Lisa Lampanelli's Rules to Live By

Husbands and Other Useless Entities in the Delivery Room
Recently, it has become popular to turn the delivery room into a cocktail party with guests enjoying snacks and breezy conversation while Mom is getting tortured. They think it’s going to be fun to watch until they spend some time there. Every type of bodily function is on display and coming at you in 3-D. It’s like a Gallagher concert, except it’s entertaining.

Passing Down the Family Name
People feel the need to pass on their entire name to their offspring, as if the last name ain’t bad enough. Why give the kid both names? It’s a well-known fact that nobody likes sequels.

Family Trees/Genealogy
Family trees only matter if you’re betting on a horse or want to be a made member of the mob. Everyone’s family tree starts with a monkey and ends in disappointment.

Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is the oldest psychological affliction known to man. It’s the reason Cain killed Abel. Their mom, Eve, liked Abel more.

Italian Families vs. Normal Families
Italian families are different from normal families. And by “normal,” I mean WASP families. There are many reasons for these differences. The first is volume. Italians whispering is screaming to a WASP.

Family Vacations
The term “family vacation” is an oxymoron. If you’re stuck with your family, it ain’t no vacation. We should call family vacations what they are: “Countdown to Dad’s public tantrum.”

Interventions
Interventions are a great way to lose a friend. That is because people don’t want to hear the truth about themselves. Addicts know they have a problem. Interventions are as bad as telling someone her boyfriend is cheating on her. Let her find out on her own. Remember: They always shoot the messenger.

Texting While on Dates
Texting on a date is completely inappropriate unless it’s a blind date, and by “blind date,” I mean the other person is blind. What could be more important on a date with me than me?

About the Author:

Lisa Lampanelli skyrocketed to comedy fame thanks to her stellar performances on the Comedy Central roasts of Jeff Foxworthy, Pamela Anderson, William Shatner, and Flavor Flav, among others. A regular guest on The Tonight Show and The Howard Stern Show, Lisa continues to sell out theaters across the country with her sweetly served but acerbic stand-up wit. Her CD/DVD Dirty Girl was nominated for a Grammy for Best Comedy Album in 2007 and her first HBO special, Long Live the Queen, premiered to spectacular numbers in 2009. This fall, she will shoot a one-hour stand-up special for Comedy Central, scheduled for release in early 2011.

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