The Dance of Deception: Pretending and Truth-Telling in Women's Lives - Softcover

Lerner, Harriet Goldhor

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0060924632 ISBN 13: 9780060924638

Publisher: HarperPerennial, 1997

Synopsis

When The Dance of Deceptionwas published, Lerner discovered that women were not eager to identify with the subject. "Well, I don't do deception" was a common resonse.

We all "do deception", often with the intention to protect ourselves and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deceptionunravels the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real -- even to our own selves. We see how relationships are affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending and by brave -- but misguided -- efforts to tell the truth.

Truth-telling is at the heart of what is most central in women's lives. It is at the foundation of authenticity and creativity, intimacy and joy. Yet in the name of "honesty", we can bludgeon each other. We can approach a difficult issue with such a poor sense of timing and tact that we can actually shut down the lines of communication rather than widening the path of truth-telling.

Sometimes Lerner's advice takes a surprising turn -- for example, when she asks us to engage in a bold act of pretending in order to discover something "more real"; or when she tells us not to parachute down on our family to bring up a "hot issue" without laying the necessary groundwork first.

Whether the subject is affairs, family secrets, sexual faking or the challenge of "being oneself", Lerner helps us to discover, speak and live our own truths.

About this title

Review:

"Stunning in it's impact. This is a book to be read and reread."--Betty Carter, M.S.W. Director Emerita, Family Institute of Westchester, New York.

"A remarkable, beautifully written book illuminating ways for women to find integrity, courage, and voice in a world that rewards female silence and pretense."--Carol Tavris, Ph.D.

Synopsis:

Pretending, says Harriet Lerner, is so closely associated with femininity that it is, quite simply, what the culture teaches women to do. Truth-telling is, on the other hand, closely linked to whatever is most essential in people's lives. It is the foundation of authenticity, self-regard, intimacy, integrity and joy. In this book, Dr Lerner first looks at when and why women are often compelled to pretend - to protect themselves and their relationships - and goes on to discuss the difference between privacy and secrecy, why women have a hard time telling the truth even when they want to, and all the ramifications of pretending and truth-telling, in the most intimate relationships and in society as a whole. She shows how pretending sets up false scenarios and artificial bonds, and blocks possibilities for deeper intimacy and the potential for healing. This book offers women insight into their own behaviour, as well as the behaviour of others, and provides guidance for changing behaviour patterns that stand in the way of intimacy.

It also shows how the commonality of female experience allows women to share what they feel is most shameful and private, allowing them to challenge old lies and myths, and create the space for truth in their lives.

About this edition

• Publisher: HarperPerennial
• Publication date: 1997
• ISBN 10: 0060924632
• ISBN 13: 9780060924638
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 272